If you find yourself seeking outside validation or approval, or just generally wanting a pat on the back for the things you do in life, you aren’t going to find that in parenting. I really don’t consider myself to have those personality traits in general and yet the thankless job of motherhood still hit me like a ton of bricks when I had my first baby. It’s, of course, not why I got into motherhood, and even with all of the responsibility I always thoroughly enjoyed having a new baby, but the demands without feedback can wear a person down. The give, give, give, give without recognition can be defeating. I’m doing ALL of the things and yet I see no crowds of fans lifting me up, roaring with applause and singing my praises.

In those early stages it is the constant, exhausting, relentless care that is needed. The breastfeeding (or just feeding) the changing, bathing, sleeplessness, scary nights when they’re sick, life altering day in and day out need. And if you’re a parent to a sick child, your load is even greater than average. As they grow it’s the mental burn. I recently said to one of my friends that I feel like I’m brain dead. I can’t even hold a conversation sometimes, it’s like I’m in a fog, and we joked about how kids kill our brain cells. But really, it’s not that. It’s those freaking balls in the air. All kinds of balls. Actually they are more like cinder blocks because god forbid you drop one and IT WILL ALL SHATTER. No one notices this part of parenting. It’s the silent work. Maybe other moms do because they just KNOW, but they are also busy with their own cinder blocks. The cinder blocks are school papers, and sports sign ups, doctor’s appointments and registration forms. They’re making sure your kids are loving and kind and happy and well adjusted and that their cup is filled. It’s giving them each individual attention and connection. Raising them to be resilient and responsible. It’s giving them confidence while also ensuring that they are humble. It’s play dates and outings and experiences and all of the effort it takes to give them a big beautiful life. Just a side note- you’re going to have to feed them and clothe them as well- and it all feels so unnoticed. It feels thankless.

But feelings? They’re tricky. They’re wavering. And they can be misleading. Silence the layers of stress and confusing feelings and tune into your heart. You might feel something different there. Pause. Listen to the real and true you. Now…is this “job” still thankless? Sure, maybe in words, but the thank you is in each and every day if you just stop and look for it. Just notice it.

The thank you comes from your 5 year old telling you that you’re the best mommy she’s ever had. Your 8 year old telling you she wants to be just like you when she grows up. Your son resolving a conflict with a peer using skills you know you’ve taught him. It’s your 2 year old lovingly stroking her sister’s back when she cries. The thank you is a teacher or another adult saying rewarding things about your children. It’s when they stand up for themselves (and others), it’s when they love and are kind and giving, it’s when they begin to do things for themselves; from riding a bike with no training wheels to making their own breakfast. Its when they begin to do things for others. Your thank you is looking at them and realizing that no matter how many times you’ve thought you’ve screwed them up, you really think they’re going to turn out great. Actually, you KNOW it. That all of the life experiences, the people you’ve chosen for them be around, the advice you give, the example you set, all of the things that truly matter, none of it goes unnoticed. As with everything else in life, it all comes full circle.

One day you’ll look at them and realize where all of that effort and devotion went. That day can be today if you let it. Your effort and devotion creates who they are…and who they are will be all of the thanks that you’ll ever need. Just look around you. The thank you is in the life you’ve built. The good, the bad, the real, the true, the ugly and the BEAUTIFUL. All of it. The thank yous are everywhere.

A people pleaser. Never makes waves. Shys away from conflict. Doesn’t like to upset others. Doesn’t speak up. Buries her secrets. Forgiving to a flaw. Questions herself. Relies on the opinions of others. Those are the exact words I would use to describe myself. A woman trying to navigate her way in a world that wants her to stay small. But something is changing. Something urging me to be and do more. That something? I was given 3 daughters.

As women we are born care-takers. We are nurturers and put other people before ourselves so it’s only natural that it would take an outside vehicle to move us in the direction of true worth. That it would take the desire for some one else to be more in order to finally see yourself as more. For me that came in the form of my 3 precious daughters. YES my son has made me grow in magnificent ways and who I am is equally important to his development, but my daughters? They make me be the woman that I wish for them to develop into one day. What I want for them burns a fire in my soul. Truthfully? It’s what I want for me too.

I want them to know their worth. To speak out, not in a manner of superiority, but in equality. Knowing that their voices matter and that they have something to give.

I want them to OWN a room. And not to say “look at me,” but in a way that says “here I am.” Here is what I have to offer. To be SEEN for all of the right reasons.

I want them to know that they are brave and strong and smart. No question is ever dumb and the ability to ask questions when you just don’t know is real and it’s how we grow. No man or woman is better or less. We are equal.

They are kind and loving and forgiving but they are allowed to set boundaries. They can hold others accountable for their actions and they can stand up for themselves. They can choose who and what they want to spend their time on. They aren’t a “bitch” for this. They have RESPECT for themselves.

My God I want them to know that they are beautiful. Beautiful, not in the superficial sense, but in a deep, radiant way where their beauty shines from within the depths of their loving hearts. They will grow old and age and wither away and I want them to know that all that will mean was that they used up every bit of life the world offered them. They LIVED and they earned the wrinkles and scars and wounds to prove it. They are not beautiful because someone tells them so, but because they own their power and they pave their own way. They are unique and comfortable in their own skin and they will never get that way from outside expectations.

That they will experience all kinds of relationships and the purpose of these should ONLY serve for growth. If it’s not serving them, it’s not for them. They may enjoy the company of man or woman alike but, and this is a big one, THEY DON’T NEED ANYBODY.

I want them to value their bodies. There is no shame. Shame is a label used to instill fear and to keep us small. I want them to know that the unique power a woman has to give life is beautiful and magnificent and sacred and that no other person may make choices for their body. No other person has a right to judge, use or violate their bodies for their own selfish needs and if they ever encounter unfortunate circumstances where that happens, I want them to know their strength. They are not victims. They are GODDESSES. And the magnificence of a goddess will always bring about people who want to knock them down. Don’t stay there. Get up because, YOU ARE FIERCE.

I want them to know that by their sheer existence they are important. They are loved and they matter and they can be who and what ever they choose for themselves. There is no “way” that a woman should act or behave. Quite the contrary. Don’t behave. Make WAVES, baby girls.

My sweet daughters, I look forward to watching you evolve and I honor where you are now. I thank you for making me rise up into the wholeness of who I was meant to be. I never truly knew the worth of a woman until I became a mother to people who could end up like her some day.

Love,

The Enlightened Mama

We were never meant to become so attached to our bodies, to all of the labels of who we think we are. That’s a mistake made long ago when we began the lessons of this human journey. Our souls are fluid and if our goal here on Earth is to become as closely aligned to our soul as possible, which is what I believe to be true, body attachment and labels invented by our egoic minds is unnecessary. Not only is it not necessary, but if you believe like to me that we become more and more spiritually evolved as time goes on, those illusions will be more strongly challenged. We will be challenged to see the truth. What’s the truth? We are all one and all created in love. Everything and anything you need is within your own soul and will never be obtained outwardly. Clinging to outward attachments is done out of fear. Choosing to open your mind and heart and challenge your long held beliefs is choosing love. And every time you choose love? You are closer to the truth.

Think of the current human condition right now in 2017 and all of the ways in which our traditional minds might be in conflict with that which is right in front of us. Less and less people are married and more women choose to have children on their own without a partner. This might not sound very romantic but the truth is we just do not eachother the way we once did. At one point women needed men to be the hunters so they could LIVE. And even more recently in our human journey women needed men for financial stability. If you think about it, men and women don’t even need each other to have children and raise a family anymore. Our options and choices are endless. The illusion of “needing” another person just isn’t true; it’s being challenged. Maybe it was never true, but we were so clouded and confused. Once you realize how much you already hold everything you need out of life within yourself you can actually CONNECT with and ENJOY people without obligation. Relationships out of obligation will almost always bring pain.  You can still choose “tradition”, but you won’t need it. You can do what we were always meant to do. Love and enjoy one another.

Another example? Sexuality. We are a generation of “love is love” and we certainly don’t like labels anymore. People who are homosexual are coming out earlier and earlier than ever before and sexuality is continuously challenged and fluid. To someone like me I think it’s incredible and necessary. Gender and sexual orientation are two things that while they were given to us as humans at a point in time when it was necessary for a survival, they just don’t matter to our spiritual growth anymore. For a traditional mind this can be challenging to accept, but that’s just it! Things were never intended to stay the same. We are here to GROW and EVOLVE and anything that challenges our long held human beliefs and leads us to compassion, understanding and acceptance will inevitably bring us closer to the truth of ourselves. And the basis of that truth is love.

Every thing about who we are as humans is only but a role we play to become closer to love. Who we love and have sex with…a role we play. Our gender…a role we play. Marriage and family…a role we play. Even the bodies we use as a vessel to journey though this lifetime…a role we play. Sure we need these roles to function in life and to some extent interact with others, but the moment we confuse them with our true identity, not only will our peace be disturbed, we WILL be challenged to see more clearly. If you are obsessed with your looks and body, in one way shape or form that will be challenged and you will be forced to uncover the layers of who you truly are. If you are disturbed by who someone loves or how they view their gender, you too will be confronted with lessons in truth. If your identity is completely wrapped up in your spouse or partner or if you choose to judge the way a family is defined, you will be confronted with lessons in independence. These aren’t “punishments”. These lessons are gifts. The closer to your true soul you get on Earth, the higher your spiritual journey will take you beyond. You have a chance to see everyone and everything as it were always intended. Choose it now and you can have heaven at your fingertips here on Earth.

I understand there is so much pain and suffering in the world, and although we are supposed to be evolved…in some cases we just aren’t. That’s part of growth too. You have to uncover the madness and hate to get to the peace and love. We are intended to see others through love and compassion but there is still free will and each individual journey is just that, individual to that soul’s lesson plan. If humans continue to live in fear and hatred, we can not change them. We can only live the way we know how and hope to inspire growth among others. We can choose to be closer to the truth, we don’t have to wait for others to get there. And if you have children? You hold the future of unity and truth at your fingertips. Live it. They’ll follow in your footsteps.

And I say this to anyone reading this that feels different. Who never conformed to what society wanted you to be…whatever that might mean. YOU are an advanced soul living a life to teach others what it means to be in touch with your inner spirit. You do you, boo.

Peace & Love.

Empathy- noun
1. the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Most of us would probably describe ourselves as empathetic. You can feel what another feels without having to have personally experienced what they are going through. But what about when the narrative doesn’t fit yours? What about when you think someone deserves something? When their beliefs differ from yours? When they hurt someone you love? When they hurt YOU? Still empathetic to their plight? I had a conversation about just this with someone close to me this weekend and really felt driven to write something, and then waking up today to horrific news of yet ANOTHER mass shooting, I couldn’t hold my thoughts in. When you feel helpless you want to act. And everyone acts differently. For me, right now, I will share a little of my own light in this very dark time. What I was discussing about empathy and understanding over the weekend pales in comparison to discussing it in regards to the mass killing of numerous…but does it? Does anything pale in comparison to anything? Everything is indicative of the greater. Each act of love causes a ripple effect you may never see…but so does each act of hurt.

I’d be willing to bet that not one person reading this could ever fathom killing another, let alone dozens. But I think the point that we might miss sometimes is that just like love is love hurt is hurt and pain is pain. Each broken heart contributes to this broken world. We all hold within us a great responsibility. A responsibility to heal. A responsibility to love. Each person must be healed one at a time. Ask yourself how you can love someone, but beyond that how can you heal their hurt? I’ve said a million times that we are wired for connection and if that thought makes you uncomfortable then you need the lessons connection will give you more than ever. We all hurt people, even the kindest of us. Maybe not intentionally but when you speak and act without thought for how another could be affected the possibility of hurt is there. Be thoughtful in your actions. Sure a disturbed person was most likely hurt immensely over a long period of time, but what is that boundary? When does one carry so much pain that they hate others and even more strongly hate themselves? I don’t want to test that, do you?

Every word you speak, every single way you treat people sparks just a tiny chain reaction. Let that reaction be love. Even what we might not consider as hate or evil can still cause a negative response. Judgement, condemnation, exclusion, betrayal, dismissal…all of it. It all contributes to the pain of this world. I know not every day is rainbows and butterflies and that you won’t want to cozy up to every person you come in contact with but the answer is self awareness. When you become aware of your triggers and your own pain you would never hurt another, you couldn’t. When you’re aware and present you can almost immediately feel when something you’ve said and done doesn’t align with your highest self. It’s doesn’t mean you’re perfect, none of us are, it means you’re in tune with yourself. And if you are aware of self you are aware of others. You are connected. You have empathy.

Live it every day. It won’t be easy. It doesn’t matter what your ego tells you, no one is deserving of your hate. You don’t get to pick and choose. You can have negative thoughts and feeling, you’re human after all. What you can’t do is put it out into the universe. Work on your self, work on your children, work on it in your home, work on it in every interaction with every single person. We can heal this world.

Love To ALL.

I think most people, if they had to rate themselves, would consider themselves pretty loving. I say most people because any person that would even have an ounce of interest in reading this blog would have to have some level of self-awareness and the desire to be a better person. But here’s the thing I’ve learned, and it’s not an easy lesson, but it’s one we have to get right if we have hope for our future generations. Love is not a choice you make. It’s not something you give to those that you deem worthy and it’s not something that you withhold from those that you deem unworthy. Love is what you are. It’s what we all are. It gets hidden away by the layers of fear we build up from the time we are born into this existence. The purpose of this life is to uncover it, to peel the layers and live in your true nature. Even when it’s really hard….and ESPECIALLY when it’s really hard. We MUST teach it to our children. We have to.

We love our children, we love our spouses and family, we love our best friends and neighbors. BUT do we love those that have wronged us? Do we love someone with different beliefs than us? Do we accept all differences? Do we want good things for ALL? Do we forgive all human error? If you can answer yes to all of those questions, all of time, you’re lying. And I’d be lying too. BUT it’s the goal! It’s the journey. The journey home is a journey back to love.

It won’t come easy but every time you feel a thought that differs from total and utter love for all others, replace it. Even if you have to replace it a smidgen each time. You have a conflict with someone and maybe the thought is “I’d love to tell this person to eff off.” Then maybe you can replace that thought with “I don’t need to tell anyone else anything because we are all on our own journey.” Then maybe you can get to “I judge no one and send love to every single person.”

If you have a huge heart and love a lot of people but still hold grudges or judge others or display anger, you’re not there yet. You can be sweet and kind, but if you gossip and are jealous, you aren’t there yet. If you try to help certain groups of people but withhold help from people you think deserve to be in their situation, you aren’t there yet. If you love one, but can harm another, you aren’t there yet. But guess what? VERY few of us are. A lot of us are close. I want to get there. I practice getting there daily with the hope that I can live my life in such a way that my 4 kids exude love to every single other being on this planet.

You know that feeling you get when your baby is born? The feeling of falling in love? The feeling you get when someone close to you passes away and you truly just forget all things negative and want to hold all others close? The feeling when there is a disaster and people HELP everyone? The feeling when you have a near tragedy and all you want to do is live in gratitude and love every day? Those feelings are sacred. They are LOVE. They are little reminders of who we truly are and how we truly feel. Listen to them. It doesn’t have to take life altering moments to get there. It shouldn’t. You can cling to that sentiment in all of the simple moments. The times when someone pisses you off. When you get cut off in traffic. When you’re disappointed and lied to. When someone fails to meet your expectation. When a person is different than you. Cling to that sentiment, return to who you are. And who you are IS LOVE.

Maybe we will never live completely from a place of love until we journey into another experience that isn’t human, but if we try and have self-awareness, that’s one giant step closer. Struggle is part of the human experience. Perfection is not. Be love as much as HUMANLY possible and the imprint you will leave and the change you will inspire is beyond measure.

Love,
The Enlightened Mama

“Be good.” A phrase I thoughtlessly say to my children every time they leave the house. As if being “good” is the end all be all of what they’re supposed to contribute to the world. As they leave for school soon- a time that always makes me sentimental and questioning if I’ve told them all of the things they’ll need to know- I feel a sense of urgency. I want more for them and for all of us. We’re so busy and caught up in nonsense that we can forget to tell our children what we really need to. And this year as they make progress down their own paths, it’s more than “be good”.

Don’t be good. Be you.
Don’t be good. Have purpose.
Don’t be good. Be brave.
Don’t be good. Be strong.
Don’t be good. Shake things the hell up.
Don’t be good. Ask questions.
Don’t be good. Stand up for what you believe.
Don’t be good. Stand up for others.
Don’t be good. Think outside of the box.
Don’t be good. Be thoughtful and kind.
Don’t be good. Have empathy and seek to understand.
Don’t be good. Question authority (respectfully).
Don’t be good. Search for truths.
Don’t be good. Share your truth.
Don’t be good. Share your gifts.
Don’t be good. Look for someone in need and give them what you can.
Don’t be good. Learn.
Don’t be good. Grow.
Don’t be good. Understand that you are part of a whole and everything you do and say has a consequence. You have a choice to leave an imprint on this world, what will you leave?

Be a good person, always. But “good” doesn’t define their immense purpose. The HUGE responsibility to change the trajectory of the spiritual path of this universe. A responsibility that I personally feel all children specifically born in these times have.

Don’t just be good. Be all that you can be and all that you are and light up the world.

Peace,
The Enlightened Mama

Self-love seems to be the craze these days; the newest buzz word. I’m not undermining it in the least, yes of course we should all be loving ourselves. It isn’t a bad thing. It comes off of the heels of decades of not loving ourselves so it is a complete step in the right direction. But, what happens when the focus is too much on SELF? We already are love, it’s what we are made of. It’s more about what we are all trying so hard to uncover. That’s the real self-love we are looking for. But as humans usually do we confuse it because we are so clouded and insecure that we cling to our Ego’s and we search desperately for so much outside validation. And then? This whole beautiful message of loving yourself becomes all about loving our appearances. Along with our confusion comes the need to order and organize and so we like to label and objectify, and somewhere along the lines we confused the LOVE OF SELF with “self-love” and we confused being creatures of love with making sure we first love the way we look.

YESSSSSS. Love the shit out of how you look. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your outward appearance, but where do we truly want the majority of our energy to go? I know it sounds ridiculously cliché, but we must first focus on getting the inside right. And believe it or not, in the most miraculous and ironic way, when you truly like who you ARE, you begin to like how you look because it becomes less important. It becomes a secondary focus and a natural acceptance of yourself. You also begin to care less and less about making sure everyone knows how much you like how you look or that they like the way you look too. That sentence just sounds exhausting doesn’t ? Let’s just stop doing it. If every selfie and bikini shot, every angle and filter we obsess over is shared in the hopes of acceptance and approval we have a little dusting off to do on those insides. Don’t we?

How do we achieve the internal “self-love” that the external one will NEVER substitute for? Well, it’s kind of simple. We love and we love hard. We forgive. We accept. We seek to understand. We have compassion and empathy. We are inclusive. We serve. We simplify. We give. We LISTEN. We connect. We follow our purpose and our dreams. We share our hearts and our creativity with the world. We become less self-involved and more involved, period.

Love your bodies, love your faces, love your booties, your cleavage, your make-up, your gym bod, your clothes and shoes and whatever else you use on the outside to express yourself. Love all of it. Share it with the world. But try to remember that NONE of it will ever mean anything, so it doesn’t mean anything right now. It will never help you to fulfill that sense of seeking we all feel. That little nudging on the inside that always leaves you feeling a little dissatisfied. You all know the feeling I’m describing, and all of that outside seeking of approval aims to satisfy it. That fulfillment will only ever come from one thing. That comes by fulfilling your true purpose…and your sole purpose (and your soul purpose) is to love. Take all of that SELF out of self-love and what are we left with? That way our love is real, it’s not fictional, it’s not obsessive, it’s not feigned for social media and it’s not shallow or meaningless. It has less to do with how we feel about ourselves and more to do with how we feel period. It’s more about what we can give away than what we can give to ourselves.

Please know that I am not immune to any of this. It is so deeply conditioned in us that it becomes a process of undoing. The truth becomes clearer to see the further I get in my journey and I so badly want to instill it in my kids. Love yourself. But don’t confuse that message with all of the things that simply don’t matter. Our bodies are merely the vessel we use to take us through this human journey. Respect them and love them and treat them well, but you can do all of that and they will never transition with us to the next place. Utilize your outward appearance as a way to radiate the love you have on the inside and self-love no longer become something we strive for, it becomes who we are. Who we have always been.

Yesterday my family and I were on our way back from a little weekend get away when we stopped at a fast food place. We were just pulling up to the window to get our food when someone directly in front of us puts their car in reverse, flies backwards and almost hits us. A woman got out of the car and angrily stomps over to the window to scream at a young kid that they forgot to put something in her child’s happy meal. All while the child sat in the car and watched her…and my kids saw too. She was ANGRY, or maybe hangry, but either way it was an absurd way to treat someone over something so unimportant. My husband said something about how this is what’s wrong with the world and parenting and made sure to tell the kid at the window that people are allowed to make mistakes. We talked to the kids about how this wasn’t a REAL problem and that even if it were a real problem you can’t communicate with people that way. When you are rude the other person shuts down and your message gets lost anyway and that a response like that says a lot more about the character of that woman than it does about the person who made a slight mistake.

It made me think something that has been so very, very clear to me for some time now. I couldn’t stop thinking about it so I thought maybe I needed to write about it and share it. I want to shout it from the rooftops and wish everyone could understand this. It would solve so many conflicts on this precious planet. Every single issue we have amongst one another is due to the fact that we see each other as separate. We forget where we come from and that we are all connected by the same universal energy. We are CONNECTED. All of us. Don’t want to have a connection to someone in particular? Well there’s that pesky little Ego.

The moment you feel separate from someone and you lack a connection you will do one of two things. You will overly inflate yourself to seem better than them or you will feel poorly about yourself and feel less than. Guess what? There’s no such thing as better or less than. And any illusion, whether it be shrinking yourself down or trying to make yourself feel bigger, is hella exhausting to keep up with. Not exhausting? Living your life the way you were designed to and loving people along the way. I understand that this is such a hard concept to grasp especially when there are human beings that do such heinous things, but when you can understand that we are all just at different points on the spiritual journey it helps you to have empathy and it helps you to always see yourself in another. It may be in this lifetime or in the next, but it all comes full circle.

We are all different with different gifts to contribute to the world for various purposes but I think once we become humans we forget so much of our truths and exactly what those purposes are. We need diversity. We need different opinions and ideas. We need them to help us learn the lesson of love. To remember our sameness by coming face to face with our differences. People tend to live in fear and forget love and before you know it we have conflicts, we judge and dislike people, we condemn and ostracize and we think we are separate. Forgetting the connection we all have opens you up to jealousy, judgement, anger, frustration, blame, guilt, hurt and it’s what causes us to be able to so blindly hurt others.

We are given the capacity to love ALL others wholeheartedly. It’s what we’re made of, but being the confused humans that we are we needed examples of how to love. It’s my belief that that’s why we have close relationships with some. So for example the love for our children which we all believe to be the highest and our romantic love and the love for our family and closest friends is the standard to all else. We believe we are only capable of that type of love for a specific group of people, but truth be told it’s within us for a reason and the reason is give it away to ALL. It’s not easy…but what is?

I don’t judge the woman at the drive thru. Maybe she was having a bad day, maybe that’s like the thousandth time they’ve forgotten something at this specific place or maybe she is just full of hate and anger for reasons I’ll never know. What is so clear to me, and what I want my kids to know, is that if she could understand the pure and true connection she had to that server at the window she would’ve never treated him like that. Sure she deserves to get the food she paid for, but she would’ve addressed him lovingly.

Life is designed to test us, it’s not like you grasp a concept and that’s it you’re done, you will continue to be presented with situations that will prompt you to act lovingly or to act in an opposite fashion. Your buttons will be pushed, people will threat you poorly, your jealousy will be triggered and you’ll be hurt along the way. I feel like I really “get it” and I am still continuously tested. It’s going to be up to you how you respond. We lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that people deserve our negative responses, but that’s simply not true. Our purpose in this world will always be love. Choose love every single time and your life will be so peaceful.

With a Heart FULL of Love,
The Enlightened Mama

I can’t help but think lately about how we make people feel. How people make us feel and why- and when I think of something a lot I need to share…especially at the ass crack of dawn for some reason (it’s currently 4:50 am). It seems to be a very spiritual time period for me, I think the silence clears my head. I’ve realized lately I’ve FINALLY graduated from the prison of caring what people “think” which is more self-involved in nature- do they like ME? What do they think about ME? How does this impact ME?- and moved onto wanting to make sure people FEEL a certain way in my presence. This is very liberating and I’ve always heard it comes with confidence and age and everyone who has told me that is right! For me (mostly… still a work in progress) it’s no longer being worried about others’ impression of me and more concerned with, did I make them feel positively? Am I someone they would choose to be around? Did I impact them in some positive way even if it was simple and seemingly un-important? Did I enrich their lives? And as I’ve discussed before, did I leave them better?

We’ve all been around the people with big egos, the people who say things to make themselves feel big and you feel small, the people who take their insecurities out on you, people who don’t have anything particularly “good” to say, people who are quick to share their judgements and even people who aren’t particularly friendly. For what? Our connection to others is part of our purpose on this planet. What are you trying to gain from making another person feel anything but joy and peace and acceptance and comfort in your presence? What are you winning by making sure others know you’re better than them or your negative opinions about things? These situations leave us feeling drained and icky and wanting to be around that person as little as possible. If you are an empath like me you pick up on peoples’ disposition towards you. This isn’t always a good thing because you might read into everything another person does and says, but hear me when I say it does NOT matter. What matters is what you give. To every person. Every day. And really all of the above labels are really just judgements anyway. Sometimes it’s not about labeling what or why or how someone says and does things. It’s about accepting it for what it is and ending it there. It’s also about being concerned ONLY with what YOU have to give away. This is pure freedom because not one other person will ever have any hold over you, any power or input on your mood or behavior or how your day goes, or most importantly, how you feel about yourself. Being concerned with how what you do and say makes another human being feel, means that you have complete power over your purpose. It means you are living intentionally and from a place of love.

It means being soft instead of hard. It means being peaceful instead of right. It means showing acceptance instead of judgement. It means staying silent when you want to correct (except of course if correcting is genuinely helping with the well-being of another person, then by all means, correct away. I wouldn’t want you to refrain from something like, oh I don’t know, “no sir CPR is done THIS way.”). You feel me? It means forgiveness instead of resentment. It means smiling instead of looking away. It’s asking ALL about someone else instead of making it about you. It’s genuine interest. It’s listening. Its understanding. It’s care and it’s concern. You won’t always get it in return. But that’s ok. When you take your sights off of the end result you magically get all of the same good feels back that you put out. Being kind for some reason other than JUST BEING KIND isn’t kind. It’s manipulative and it serves your Ego. Serve your heart, serve your purpose, serve others.

I’m sure I fall short from time to time, never intentionally, I’m human and make mistakes, but it is honestly one of my main goals with all of my encounters. How did I make that person feel? How did my energy and what I gave to the conversation or encounter better their lives and their outlook on the world? Trust me it isn’t always my first impulse. I have negative thoughts and feelings like most of us, but I’ve learned to figure out where they come from, understand them, accept them, let them go and never to have them negatively impact others. I make sure to talk about this with my kids, but most importantly I hope they see who I am. And I hope, more than anyone, I make them feel in a way that makes them always want to be around me. And not now….right now we’re good, they are all up in my grill 24/7….but later, ya know, when they have other choices ?

With Love,
The Enlightened Mama

To be honest, in my 8 years of being a mom, “mom guilt” was never quite my thing. I’ve always felt pretty confident in my abilities to be a mom (namely taking care of babies) and I always felt bad for people that did the mom guilt thing. Those that felt guilty that they weren’t home enough, or those that were home so much they felt guilty that maybe they weren’t giving their children an example of a strong, dynamic woman. Those that get a healthy dose of “me” time but in some strange way feel selfish for it. Or even those that get little or no time to themselves so in some way feel the guilt of not being more of an independent person. For me I honestly felt confident in my choices. I know that I’m intelligent and strong and I know I have a career that I will some day dive right back into, so I never had that kind of guilt. And I’m always here with my children so I never had the guilt that I wasn’t with my kids enough. Oh and by the way please know that I am not “bragging” in the slightest way….there are a lot of things I am terrible at, trust me, I just never felt that being a mom was one of them.

That brings me to now, or lately. I have 4 children of varying ages and varying needs. They are becoming more involved in activities and life is not slowing down. And guess what? That mom guilt is a real thing. And it’s a real bitch too. I am just spread SO thin. There are so many needs to meet. So many hands and hearts that need me and so many eyes that watch me. My younger 2 “need” me more and so I feel guilt that I am not as engaged with my older 2 some days. And my older ones are so involved that I am constantly dragging the little ones around. Skipping naps, putting them to bed too late and more. When I feel icky I like to explore. It’s so easy to either dismiss our feelings or become overwhelmed and incapacitated by them. I try to examine what’s going on, why it’s going on and try to fix it and grow. I’ve had this creeping guilt for numerous reasons and it seems to have increased slowly after the birth of my 4th child and has taken up more space in my mind recently. I’m sure it’s a combination of a growing family, growing schedules and my growing need to be and do more things for myself. It’s not my true nature to feel guilt and shame or to get hard on myself, so in doing my best to work through it I’ve realized the one thing I’m doing that I KNOW is a peace thief (but I’m human so I’m doing it anyway). It’s all of those pesky little shoulds. I think it was when I was reading “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle that I had this epiphany of how often we don’t enjoy the moment because we are internally telling ourselves we should be doing something else. Even something as simple as relaxing which is in my opinion necessary for survival. Breathing, Drinking, Eating, Netflixing….in no particular order. What kind of life is that? Is that living? What an awful way to live that even when you are doing things you want and need to that you can’t even enjoy THAT because that annoying space in our brain gives you the guilt of all the other things that you really “should” be doing.

If you ever listen to anything I say listen to me now. You are an amazing person, you are dynamic, you are important and you are doing everything you can. You are living a full and vibrant life and you have a lot of balls in the air. Never in the history of, well ever, have more demands been placed specifically on women. We have to be so many things to so many people and we get burned out. And if you’ve given birth to a human (and if you’re a parent by any other means) then you know deep within your heart and straight down to the depths of your female DNA that, that relationship is THE most important one, and so the guilt floods in when you’re busy doing all of those other life things. That mom guilt. It steals your joy. If there is anything that literally robs you of joy it is denial of the present moment. Of what’s in front of you and what you’re currently emerged in. It’s basically a denial of life and it will lead to sadness, despair and frustration. There isn’t anything you shouldn’t be doing. Because what you’re doing is just that. It’s what you are doing. And it needs no other explanation and no other defensiveness and no other GUILT.

If you are at work whether by choice and passion or because you must pay the bills, BE at work. Life is about being. Wanting to be any where other than where you are is a buzz kill. If you are at home either because it’s what you’ve always wanted or because it makes the most sense for the betterment of your family, BE at home. There are seasons for everything. You will not be wiping tushes and noses all day long forever. And I know there are situations you just really don’t want to be in, but if you can’t change them then you have to train your mind to be there and accept it. And not just accept it but erase any and all feelings of guilt.

Can we be in this together? Saying peace out to the mom guilt? No matter how put together any of of us appears to be we are the hardest on ourselves. We all know that to be true. So let’s be delicate with one another. We have the universal energy of being parents and we need each other to lift one another up. Own your choices and your actions and truly LIVE by being ever present in all that you do. Things are much more enjoyable that way. I needed this reminder, I hope it’s helped you today too.

Presently and fully writing this blog,
The Enlightened Mama